Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
