I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
