she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
