In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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