I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
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thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
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She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize