My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
