I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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