Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
