i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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