Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sorry about my life...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
