i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
