Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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