No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
