she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So drunk its hurt
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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