Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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