I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
