dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
