Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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