Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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