My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
