u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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