Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
