Plan B is the new Plan A
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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