he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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