I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
