I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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