if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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