I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
