It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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