paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
