Too much gin, very little bucket
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
