I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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