We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
