Cold hands, warm shart.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
