happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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