i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
