Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
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i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
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I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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