you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
