He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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