well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
