You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
