If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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