I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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