I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Success! We fucked roommates!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
