I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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