I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
