between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
