my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
