the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
