What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
