I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
