He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
