Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
